After my little rant last week about choice and influence (which you can read HERE by the way), the husband and I were chatting about the subject and touched upon something that I felt warranted further consideration and discussion.

How can anyone, despite all of the actual evidence out there, still believe that being gay is a choice? It led me to think about what makes them so sure of something, they, as heterosexuals, have no experience of. Because that is the rub here, they are always so vehemently sure, like the opinion that the sky is blue, that it is a choice. It’s not just a small difference of opinion for them. They are so sure of it and will not entertain any suggestion of sexuality being anything but an active choice. They believe that LGBTQIA people could simply choose not to be. They are so utterly convinced of it without ever pausing to reflect and think about what it would also say about them too...

By its very definition, a choice would mean that there is more than one option available, and their conviction that being gay is a choice would imply that there is also an ‘option' to be straight. If that were true, surely that is also an admission that they, too, made a choice. They are so adamant that there is a choice, which would therefore imply an admission that they CHOSE to be heterosexual. It has been asked countless times before, but if you ask a heterosexual person when they chose to be straight, there is no answer to it. It just is. I think the majority of straight people understand and accept this. They didn’t make a choice any more than the LGBTQIA+ people did.

So what about those who so staunchly believe it is a choice, who often hold a whole plethora of homophobic viewpoints? Like I say, if they are so convinced it is a choice, then it must be a choice they too have made. And if it were indeed the case, this suggests that at some point, they have questioned their sexuality. That they have had thoughts or feelings during their life, perhaps even had certain experiences, which could indicate they could be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. In turn, that would suggest that they made a conscious choice not to act (or stop acting) upon it. In doing so, they have chosen to live a life of denying and repressing something within themselves. It would mean they are actively choosing not to live as their authentic self, but to live and present an image of what they deem to be acceptable in society. By extension, it implies that they have indeed chosen to live their life that way and that they believe the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community should too. I’m not going to lie, but this whole train of thought is giving me vibes of childlike ‘I don't want to play with this toy, but I’m not going to let anyone else either’. Ok, so, just to be clear, people aren’t toys, but you get what I am saying here.

I don’t know about anyone else, but the very idea of living a life like that, with all that self-denial and repression, sounds not only exhausting, but downright impossible. I am sure that if you presented this logic to any of the ‘it’s a choice’ crowd, they would undoubtedly deny they've ever had any of the thoughts or feelings I mentioned, after all, that is a part of the whole facade. But then, if that is the case, and they have never had any homosexual inclination whatsoever, it blows a massive hole in the ‘it’s a choice’ narrative. So which is it? In my mind, you can’t claim it’s a choice at the same time as denying you’ve ever had to make that choice.

It's been a while, a long while in fact. Whoops. What can I say? I'm a Dad - I'm tired?

Which ironically, being tired is something I wanted to write about today. I'm not tired of being a Dad, of course, but I am tired of the endlessly repetitive, factually incorrect, looping discussions about the LGBTQ+ 'influence'.  You know, this whole notion that LGBTQIA+ people having any form of representation in the media, in literature, in schools, in the workplace, in society whatsoever is somehow 'influencing' young people to join us, ya know, like its a club/religion/society with an application process...

This whole thing stems from the also endlessly repetitive, factually incorrect, looping discussions about the fact that being gay is a choice. I don't know how many times I, and the whole community, have had to say it, but it is NOT a choice. It never was, it never will be. I have spent my entire life hearing this 'it's a choice debate, and I am so beyond tired of it. The science actually backs this up; it is NOT a choice. Yet, here we are, still hearing the same old narrative from the same old groups of people outside of the community.

Considering that it is NOT a choice (and yes, I am going to keep emphasising the NOT part), the notion that the LGBTQIA+ community can somehow influence or recruit people into the community is so beyond ludicrous it boggles my mind how anyone can genuinely believe it is a thing.

I've seen so many social media posts pointing out the very contradictory nature of the 'influencing kids' argument, but hey, apparently it's just not getting through to some people, so I figured why not add my voice too. 

I'd like you to bear in mind that I was born in the early 80s, and so I started school in the 80s. That means I also grew up during the time of that heinous piece of legislation, Section 28. A piece of legislation that prohibited the "promotion of homosexuality" by local authorities, particularly in schools. It was part of the Local Government Act of 1988 - right around the time I started school - and was not repealed until 2000 - right around the time I finished secondary school! In case you didn't know, Section 28 stated that local authorities "shall not intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality". It also prohibited the teaching of "the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship".

Did it make the blindest bit of difference to my sexuality? Well, clearly not! My entire school life was lived out under the premise that if the LGBTQIA+ existence was denied, then it would stop people from becoming LGBTQIA+, and yet here I am, twenty-five years later, still hearing this same old conversation and absolutely being gay.

I am pretty sure I have touched upon this before, and how, actually, if politics, society, the media, schooling and so on had any influence on sexuality, then there is no way I would be gay. As I've pointed out, it was literally illegal for schools to acknowledge or promote the gay existence, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. I was raised in a very heterosexual family and didn't know of anyone LGBTQIA in the family at all, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. The TV shows and movies I watched all featured heterosexual people in them, whether they were single or not, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. The music I listened to was all at least presented as 'heterosexual'. Even those artists who were actually LGBTQIA were predominantly closeted and did not talk about their sexuality, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. None of the children's or even young adult books I read had a single LGBTQIA character in them (at least that I was aware of at the time - queer coding aside), so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. Were there Pride Flags hanging outside of any local government building? No, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. Were there equality laws to protect the LGBTQIA+ community when I was growing up? No, so that should have 'influenced' me to be heterosexual. Need I go on?

My point is, if we are to believe that a person can be 'influenced' to make a choice to become gay, then on paper, there is literally nothing to suggest that I would be the person that I am. I can promise you now, given everything I have said about my childhood on this blog, there is no way on this earth I would have 'chosen' to be gay. Even when I did find out what being gay was and how that lined up with how I was feeling, I fought against it. I refused to accept it. I denied it with every fibre of my being, and it wasn't until my late teens or maybe even my early twenties that I truly stopped fighting it. Why did I fight it and refuse to accept it? Well, for starters, my entire childhood was structured to have me believe that being gay wasn't normal, that it was wrong. That, and because I genuinely didn't believe that I was gay. School bullies were calling me it - with zero help from school teachers to stop the bullying, by the way, because they weren't allowed to, in case they were perceived to be 'promoting' homosexuality - long before I acknowledged and accepted that I was attracted to other guys. It has taken literal years to unpick all of that stigma, all of that fear, all of that shame, all of that denial. 

And they want to tell me that my very own lived experience was simply a choice? It's got to the point now where it's not just irritating but outright anger-inducing! I am so fed-up of the endlessly repetitive, factually incorrect, looping debate that isn't really a debate at all. It is simply certain parts of society that want to impose their opinion as fact on the rest of us. Hand on heart, I believe that everyone is entitled to an opinion just as much as I am entitled to disagree with that opinion. However, when you start to claim your opinion as fact and then use that opinion to dictate how everyone else should live their life, we have a problem.

It has literally been 25 years since the repeal of Section 28 and the acknowledgement from the government that sexuality simply doesn't work that way, but we are still dealing with the very same conversation. Of course, all of this stuff has been going on for far longer than 25 years, but the repeal of section 28 should have been a watershed moment. Many of us believed in good faith that it would be. Yet, 25 years on, and some people are still entertaining the notion that having a book in a school about two gay penguins that become dads is somehow going to make a child gay. 25 years on, and some people are still peddling the narrative that a pride event is going to make a child gay. 25 years on, and some people are still outraged when there is a gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, etc character in a TV soap opera because it might make a child gay. 25 years on, and some politicians are still trying to strip LGBTQIA+ people of the equality rights that we have fought long and hard to get, because it might make a child gay. Just stop it already! 

You may have noticed that I have been rather irritatingly repetitive in this blog. It is 100% intentional. I wanted to be as obnoxiously repetitive in my talking points, in some kind of hope that it gives everyone just a glimpse of how frustrating and annoying it can be to have their very existence and their lived experiences debated under the pretence of protecting children. We can see right through it and call it what it is; Yet another homophobic attack on the LGBTQIA+ community. Yet another attempt to use us as a political football. Yet another attempt to deny we even exist, to eradicate us. And then those perpetrators are shocked and surprised when elements of the LGBTQIA+ community become militant. Well, right now, I am so sick and tired of it all that I am feeling pretty damn militant too!

I have no idea if this piece is going to be read outside of the community, whether anyone will care, or whether it may give any of those peddling the endlessly repetitive, factually incorrect, looping discussions, pause for thought. I hope it does. If not, at the very least, I feel better for having a rant about it.

Thanks for reading

I don’t tend to talk specific party politics on here very often but the political landscape in the UK has been messier than an episode of Real Housewives (no shade, I love Real Housewives) for quite some time now. With Boris Johnson resigning as the Conservative Leader, his time as Prime Minister is coming to an end and we will have someone new leading the country. I just want to say that I have never voted Conservative and it is highly likely that I never will. I have a persistent mistrust of the Conservative Party. That being said, I think it is important to know what MP's stand for, regardless of whether they are someone you would vote for, especially when they are the party in power.

As I’ve gotten older and become more politically aware, I have found myself getting into the habit of checking the voting records of MP's who are potentially going to be in power or a member of the cabinet, regardless of the party they are affiliated with. Call it a case of ‘know thy enemy’ if you will. When I look at voting records there are certain areas of specific interest which I prioritise and LGBTQ+ rights are obviously going to be right up at the top of that list of importance. I want to know whether or not my rights as a gay man and the rights of this community are safe or whether there could be a potential threat. I think it would be foolhardy and naive to believe that now we have certain rights, they would never be taken away. Recent behaviour from politicians in the USA is all the proof you need that this isn’t the case.

So that is what today's article is about. I’m looking at the current Conservative leadership battle, the individuals in the running and their track record when it comes to voting for or against LGBTQ rights. It should go without saying that LGBTQ+ rights are not the only topic of importance when it comes to politics but it’s usually my starting point. Of course, you can absolutely get this same information from a dozen other articles, but I also feel it is important to get that information out there so the more places we shout about it, the more we ensure it doesn’t get ignored. If you want to find more detail on voting records, I have included a link with each of the MP's names. While only one of these is going to become the Conservative leader and Prime Minister, it is clear that they all have ambitions for the 'top job' and therefore it is worth keeping an eye on them all.

This being a blog about life from my 'gay' perspective, I have written about coming out several times in the past. Whether that be about my own coming out, or because another famous person has, it is a subject that never really goes away. Every time a celebrity or the like comes out and it is splashed across the media I find myself circling back to my own coming out and what the culture was like back then. From my perspective and in contrast with my own experience, coming out does seem to have gotten 'easier' in terms of the fact that society is that little bit more accepting. I am in no way diminishing the experience of LGBTQ youth who are still discovering who they are and allowing the world to know it. I dare say that, for them, there is nothing easy about it regardless of the society we find ourselves in. 

This is further compounded by the fact that, no matter how far we have come, there is always a narrative that comes to the surface every time a famous person comes out. First off there is always an element of "I'm not homophobic but I don't want it rammed down my throat", which irritates me no end and I have written about that before HERE. A number of heterosexual people seem obsessed with the notion that somehow homosexuality is being forced upon them just because someone came out or because there is a pride event.  It really isn't being 'rammed' anywhere and I'd like to refer back to the way one of my readers put it (and made me laugh so hard that I nearly spat coffee across my laptop)... "I mean, don't be on your knees with your mouth wide open".

In addition, you also hear or read the narrative that "You have equality now, why do you even need to come out?". Oddly enough I actually agree in a certain regard. Why do we need to come out? Why do we need to be out and proud and vocal about it? Surely it is nobody else's business. It is personal and private. That being said, it would also be remiss of me to ignore the many reasons that people do come out. I have a great many of my own feelings on the answers to those questions which are for another day. If you find you can't answer then I have to wonder how blissfully unaware you are of the realities of being LGBTQ in 2022 can be for so many. Despite the legal equalities we have, it is still incredibly important that we continue striving for social equality as there is a long way to go. I've written about this too back HERE.

Anyway, this brings me to the main point of this article and the subject I find myself circling back to so frequently. It is another one of those subjects that I wish heterosexual people had some understanding of. Coming out is not a one-time deal. As LGBTQ people, once we find the strength and courage to be our authentic selves and feel safe enough for the world around us to know that, we come out. We step out of that closet. We tell our nearest and dearest, in what can genuinely be some of the most terrifying conversations, our truth. Even with the most accepting and open-minded people around us, the thought of coming out can evoke the fear of outright rejection. Those fears may very well be unfounded but they do exist. For many of us, once we do come out and get over that hurdle of anxiety we find ourselves in a situation where it never stops. None of us gets to just come out and that be it. The door of the closet behind us remains open ajar because of society, despite our best efforts to slam it shut and it seems more doors are ahead of us. You find yourself coming out again and again and again.

Almost every time you are introduced to someone who is not in your friend or family circle. Every time you start a new job or a new employee starts a job at your current employment. Every time you have to fill out forms or documentation that is going to be seen by a complete stranger. I could go on with the many many situations in which we find ourselves 'coming out' again but if my point isn't entirely clear I thought I would share a couple of examples of occasions where I found myself coming out... again!

One of which was as simple as having a conversation over the phone with a bank or phone company or something. I honestly can't remember what I was calling for but at one point they wanted me to commit to something and I said that I would like to discuss it with my other half. The response I got was as predictable as it was assumptive, 'oh, yes, would you like to discuss it with her and give us a callback?'

Of course, I could have just ignored the assumption that my other half was a female. Was it really a big deal? Did it really matter that a complete stranger made that assumption? Again, it's a conversation I come back to time and time again. No, it shouldn't matter that someone made that assumption but it did. I didn't spend years finding the strength to come out to then have it just ignored and to find myself being pushed back into that closet so to speak. Naturally, I corrected them at the time. Which in effect, means that I was coming out to a complete stranger over the phone. 

This type of coming out happens all the time. Even for those of us who society deems as 'obviously' gay (apparently I am...), we have experienced questions such as, "do you have a girlfriend/wife?. If we mention a partner we get asked what HER name is. And every time we are presented with questions like these that essentially refer back to some heteronormative expectation and assumption, we come out again.

I should note that in some ways, it has actually become more notable since I became a parent. I want to be clear, I don't exactly begrudge people for their assumptions. Especially when those assumptions are a reflection of the wider society we live in. It is a learning process for everyone. That being said, it still hits hard every time. A particular example of this would be when we were at an airport ready to fly out to Florida for our daughter's first birthday. We were browsing the duty-free store and we got, well actually, our daughter got asked, twice, within fifteen minutes, 'Where's your mum?'... Cue a particularly withering eye roll from me to my husband. I guess, generally speaking, what I am questioning here is whether most people don't really think too much about asking such personal questions and making assumptions about complete strangers? Is that ok?

I am sure there might be some people reading this who think that this isn't such a big deal or that we should just ignore it. I wish it were that simple. As I say, it took me a few years to accept my sexuality and even more to be out and proud, to be a defender of it and the community that it means I am a part of. I mean, what kind of example am I setting to my daughter if I don't correct that assumption and be my authentic self? What I am teaching her in that moment? Granted, she was only one year old at the time, but you get my point! Of course, as an isolated incident, it probably seems trivial but that is the thing. It is not an isolated incident for us. It happens far more frequently than I ever would have imagined. 

For many years, I would refer to my husband as my 'partner' or 'other half'. Just like so many others do I am sure. However, the reason I was referring to him like this, especially in new social situations with strangers was bourne out of that fear of rejection or in an attempt to avoid a potentially homophobic confrontation. I would keep my sexuality secret in those new social or work-related environments until I was confident that I was in a safe space to be open and honest. Sometimes it would take maybe just a few minutes, other times it could take months. My real point here is that, rightly or wrongly, I was in a position where I was keeping my authentic self a secret. To me, that says it all. The fact that I felt I had to hide in order to avoid a confrontation or even a potentially dangerous situation speaks volumes about the society we live in. 

You could absolutely argue that it was all in my head and my fears were unfounded. In certain instances but not all, I would actually agree. I also can't deny those fears existed and for good reason too. It probably seems to many that whether I say husband or other half is just a trivial turn of phrase but I can assure you it isn't. It took me many years to build up the confidence to refer to myself as gay, or use terms like 'husband' and effectively out myself right from the off. Where I was once fearful of a potential situation, I am now in a place where I am able to force myself to think positively for want of a better word. I have found enough strength to ignore those fears and in essence, assume that I am in a safe space whilst still being fully prepared for a situation where I may be confronted with homophobia if my assumption is wrong. It has taken me literally years to build the strength to not only deal with homophobia but also face it head-on and fight back. Heck, the fact that I (sporadically) write this blog is very much a part of that.

Regardless of sexuality, we all know what it feels like to have assumptions made about ourselves. We all know what it feels like when we feel we have to hide something about ourselves. To a certain extent, everybody experiences that feeling of 'coming out' in their own way. Everyone is doing their best to be their authentic self and potentially share a secret that they have protected for many years for a whole myriad of reasons. For all of us, that can come with a truckload of fear and anxiety. To quote one of my favourite lines from Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Musical:

No matter how tough you think you are... no matter how immune you think you've become... it still hurts.

Netflix

Heartstopper began streaming on the Netflix platform one week ago today and I, like so many others, am a little in love with it. Based upon the webcomic and graphic novels written by Alice Oseman, it is a coming-of-age, coming out, teenage romance story. I actually hadn’t heard of the story until the screen version was released and my Twitter feed became all abuzz with praise for the show. The husband and I ended up binge-watching the entire series in a single night and we enjoyed it so much that we are hopeful that a second series is coming soon.

In no time at all, Heartstopper has become a critical hit, scoring a ‘Certified Fresh’ 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes while hitting the Top 10 Netflix shows in numerous countries within days of its release. In that sense I don’t feel I really need to review it as such. I’m pretty sure a big chunk of the people reading this have already seen it and are aware of the praise it is getting too so you’d probably learn nothing new. The story, the scripting, the performances from the cast, the cinematography, the soundtrack… everything about it is just so beautifully done. I genuinely couldn’t find a fault with any of it. That being said, the show has given me some thoughts that I wanted to dive into and share.

The show feels so quintessentially British and is centered on the experiences of school or sixth form age teenagers - age 16-18 for my non-Brit friends who have no idea what 'sixth form' is. It's very clear that the show has been produced with that audience demographic in mind but, as I've already said, that didn't stop us from enjoying it. As a ‘creeping ever closer to 40’ age gay guy there is definitely a big contrast between the teenage experiences that this show presents and the experiences I personally had as a teen in the 90s.

This initially started off with my writing a small piece as part of my ‘This Week’ articles but I ended up writing quite a bit more so now I’ve made it a separate article.

I can’t believe that, after almost three years since the government pledged to put a step to conversion therapy in the UK, any form of legislation still has not been brought forward. Actually, scratch that, I can believe it, given this governments track record. Granted, I’ll give some grace here for the fact that they have also been dealing with a global pandemic over the last year. That is a priority as it should be, but this conversation has been ongoing since long before the pandemic.

The much-needed legislation was discussed in March, but the update given by equalities minister Kemi Badenoch was at best, vague. No actual commitments were made on when the legislation would be brought forward or what form it would take when it does. As a result of the dawdling, three members of the LGBT Advisory Panel stepped down and it has since been announced that the panel has now been disbanded. On top of all that, prime minister Boris Johnson has said in a letter to the Evangelical Alliance that any legislation will not apply to adults who seek “pastoral support” from churches while exploring sexual orientation or gender identity.

Call me cynical, but Johnson’s comments sound like they are already planning to facilitate a back door for conversion therapy to continue, on religious grounds. It is beginning to look like this is legislation is no longer going to be an outright ban on the controversial practice. Arguably, it is too soon to make any assumptions about what this legislation will actually dictate but these not so early warning signs aren’t filling me with confidence. The fact that the Minister for Women and Equalities, Liz Truss, has now disbanded the LGBT Advisory Panel also adds to my concern, not just because of conversion therapy, but because it is another removal of voices for the LGBTQ+ community. A community that has fought long and hard to be heard at all.

What I find most frustrating about this discussion is that scientifically speaking, there is no reliable evidence that these ‘conversions’ work and actually there is more evidence to suggest that they are ineffective and potentially harmful. Conversion therapy is pseudoscientific in that it consists of statements, beliefs, or practices that claim to be both scientific and factual but are incompatible with the scientific method. Pseudoscience can be very dangerous in that it can drive people away from proven scientific breakthroughs such as vaccines (topical I know!). Historically, pseudoscientific theories have even led to racism and genocide.  

Why is the actual science being ignored here? If we have learned anything over the last year, surely it is that we need to pay more attention to science, not less. With an ever-increasing awareness of mental health, including the mental health of those within the LGBTQ+ community, now is the time for governments to be listening to the scientists and health care professionals when it comes to this barbaric and homophobic practice.

Many of those that argue in favour of these conversions use ‘religious belief’ as justification for the therapy. I am so tired of this notion that religious beliefs entitle people to dictate a complete stranger’s life. I do not begrudge anyone of any faith their beliefs. I swear I have said this so many times before. In terms of religion, everyone is entitled to believe whatever they like however that does not give them license to dictate how anyone else should live their lives.

To reduce this down to a most simplistic analogy (and one I may have made before), I personally do not feel that pineapple belongs on a pizza. For me, it is gross and a bit weird. It goes against my ‘belief’ that fruit (and don’t start with me about tomatoes – I tend to go for a barbecue base anyway haha) should not be on a pizza. Does that mean I get to dictate to everyone else that they can’t have pineapple on pizza anymore? Does that mean I can use torturous methods in an attempt to ensure people never try to have pineapple on pizza anymore? It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I can’t do those things and neither would I want to. Instead, I just don’t have pineapple on pizza, and I let anyone who does enjoy it do exactly that.

Of course, the conversation of homosexuality in relation to religious beliefs is far more complex but it really doesn’t have to be. Those who do hold religious beliefs just need to understand that it does not give them any right to impose those beliefs on anyone else. Conversion therapy is a potentially dangerous method of imposing those beliefs on others. It should not be allowed.

There is no reason to continue delaying this legislation. It has been almost three years which in my view time has been ample time to conduct consultations, gather evidence and so on. The only reason I can think of which could be holding back an outright ban on conversion therapy is the government attempting to keep religious institutions happy. I’m sorry, but that simply isn’t good enough. I have read too many heartbreaking stories about people being forced into these therapies against their will. Some of them are outright horrific. 'Ice-pick' lobotomies, chemical castration, electro-shock therapy and nausea-inducing drugs are just some of the examples of conversion therapy that sound terrifying in their names alone! Religious belief is in no way justification for any of them.