This is further compounded by the fact that, no matter how far we have come, there is always a narrative that comes to the surface every time a famous person comes out. First off there is always an element of "I'm not homophobic but I don't want it rammed down my throat", which irritates me no end and I have written about that before HERE. A number of heterosexual people seem obsessed with the notion that somehow homosexuality is being forced upon them just because someone came out or because there is a pride event. It really isn't being 'rammed' anywhere and I'd like to refer back to the way one of my readers put it (and made me laugh so hard that I nearly spat coffee across my laptop)... "I mean, don't be on your knees with your mouth wide open".
In addition, you also hear or read the narrative that "You have equality now, why do you even need to come out?". Oddly enough I actually agree in a certain regard. Why do we need to come out? Why do we need to be out and proud and vocal about it? Surely it is nobody else's business. It is personal and private. That being said, it would also be remiss of me to ignore the many reasons that people do come out. I have a great many of my own feelings on the answers to those questions which are for another day. If you find you can't answer then I have to wonder how blissfully unaware you are of the realities of being LGBTQ in 2022 can be for so many. Despite the legal equalities we have, it is still incredibly important that we continue striving for social equality as there is a long way to go. I've written about this too back HERE.
Anyway, this brings me to the main point of this article and the subject I find myself circling back to so frequently. It is another one of those subjects that I wish heterosexual people had some understanding of. Coming out is not a one-time deal. As LGBTQ people, once we find the strength and courage to be our authentic selves and feel safe enough for the world around us to know that, we come out. We step out of that closet. We tell our nearest and dearest, in what can genuinely be some of the most terrifying conversations, our truth. Even with the most accepting and open-minded people around us, the thought of coming out can evoke the fear of outright rejection. Those fears may very well be unfounded but they do exist. For many of us, once we do come out and get over that hurdle of anxiety we find ourselves in a situation where it never stops. None of us gets to just come out and that be it. The door of the closet behind us remains open ajar because of society, despite our best efforts to slam it shut and it seems more doors are ahead of us. You find yourself coming out again and again and again.
Almost every time you are introduced to someone who is not in your friend or family circle. Every time you start a new job or a new employee starts a job at your current employment. Every time you have to fill out forms or documentation that is going to be seen by a complete stranger. I could go on with the many many situations in which we find ourselves 'coming out' again but if my point isn't entirely clear I thought I would share a couple of examples of occasions where I found myself coming out... again!
One of which was as simple as having a conversation over the phone with a bank or phone company or something. I honestly can't remember what I was calling for but at one point they wanted me to commit to something and I said that I would like to discuss it with my other half. The response I got was as predictable as it was assumptive, 'oh, yes, would you like to discuss it with her and give us a callback?'
Of course, I could have just ignored the assumption that my other half was a female. Was it really a big deal? Did it really matter that a complete stranger made that assumption? Again, it's a conversation I come back to time and time again. No, it shouldn't matter that someone made that assumption but it did. I didn't spend years finding the strength to come out to then have it just ignored and to find myself being pushed back into that closet so to speak. Naturally, I corrected them at the time. Which in effect, means that I was coming out to a complete stranger over the phone.
This type of coming out happens all the time. Even for those of us who society deems as 'obviously' gay (apparently I am...), we have experienced questions such as, "do you have a girlfriend/wife?. If we mention a partner we get asked what HER name is. And every time we are presented with questions like these that essentially refer back to some heteronormative expectation and assumption, we come out again.
I should note that in some ways, it has actually become more notable since I became a parent. I want to be clear, I don't exactly begrudge people for their assumptions. Especially when those assumptions are a reflection of the wider society we live in. It is a learning process for everyone. That being said, it still hits hard every time. A particular example of this would be when we were at an airport ready to fly out to Florida for our daughter's first birthday. We were browsing the duty-free store and we got, well actually, our daughter got asked, twice, within fifteen minutes, 'Where's your mum?'... Cue a particularly withering eye roll from me to my husband. I guess, generally speaking, what I am questioning here is whether most people don't really think too much about asking such personal questions and making assumptions about complete strangers? Is that ok?
I am sure there might be some people reading this who think that this isn't such a big deal or that we should just ignore it. I wish it were that simple. As I say, it took me a few years to accept my sexuality and even more to be out and proud, to be a defender of it and the community that it means I am a part of. I mean, what kind of example am I setting to my daughter if I don't correct that assumption and be my authentic self? What I am teaching her in that moment? Granted, she was only one year old at the time, but you get my point! Of course, as an isolated incident, it probably seems trivial but that is the thing. It is not an isolated incident for us. It happens far more frequently than I ever would have imagined.
For many years, I would refer to my husband as my 'partner' or 'other half'. Just like so many others do I am sure. However, the reason I was referring to him like this, especially in new social situations with strangers was bourne out of that fear of rejection or in an attempt to avoid a potentially homophobic confrontation. I would keep my sexuality secret in those new social or work-related environments until I was confident that I was in a safe space to be open and honest. Sometimes it would take maybe just a few minutes, other times it could take months. My real point here is that, rightly or wrongly, I was in a position where I was keeping my authentic self a secret. To me, that says it all. The fact that I felt I had to hide in order to avoid a confrontation or even a potentially dangerous situation speaks volumes about the society we live in.
You could absolutely argue that it was all in my head and my fears were unfounded. In certain instances but not all, I would actually agree. I also can't deny those fears existed and for good reason too. It probably seems to many that whether I say husband or other half is just a trivial turn of phrase but I can assure you it isn't. It took me many years to build up the confidence to refer to myself as gay, or use terms like 'husband' and effectively out myself right from the off. Where I was once fearful of a potential situation, I am now in a place where I am able to force myself to think positively for want of a better word. I have found enough strength to ignore those fears and in essence, assume that I am in a safe space whilst still being fully prepared for a situation where I may be confronted with homophobia if my assumption is wrong. It has taken me literally years to build the strength to not only deal with homophobia but also face it head-on and fight back. Heck, the fact that I (sporadically) write this blog is very much a part of that.
Regardless of sexuality, we all know what it feels like to have assumptions made about ourselves. We all know what it feels like when we feel we have to hide something about ourselves. To a certain extent, everybody experiences that feeling of 'coming out' in their own way. Everyone is doing their best to be their authentic self and potentially share a secret that they have protected for many years for a whole myriad of reasons. For all of us, that can come with a truckload of fear and anxiety. To quote one of my favourite lines from Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Musical:
No matter how tough you think you are... no matter how immune you think you've become... it still hurts.
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