'Labels Are For Jars' - Why We Should Embrace Diversity

Back in October, I wrote about National Coming Out Day and whether people should have to ‘come out’. I also touched upon my view about the structure of labels and the apparent need for us to have those labels by the society around us.

A recent article published by the site Hornet leads with a clickbait headline of ‘Men Who Sometimes Sleep With Other Men Are Opting For This Label Because Bisexual Is ‘Too Gay'. This got me thinking about labels again.

This is not the first time I have come across similar articles and it seems to be an area of discussion with an increasing prominence. The main context of the article states that straight men who sometimes sleep with other men are choosing not to label themselves as bisexual because that is considered 'too gay.' Instead, they are choosing to refer to themselves as ‘mostly straight’. Now, I actually applaud those men who are happy to admit that they enjoy having sex with other men. I think that shows a massive step forward that more men will openly admit it. What do I have an issue with is that they seem to appear ashamed of the possibility someone might think of them as 'too gay'. It sounds a little bit like having your cake and eating it to a certain degree. My bigger issue here is that by actually stating that they do not wish to be considered 'too gay' they are fuelling the absurd notion that being gay is a bad thing. I will come back to that in a bit.

I am going to be what some may consider a little bit controversial here. A key factor in all of these discussions about labelling is sex. Specifically, men having sex with men. In my opinion, if a man has sex with another man, this does not automatically make him gay or even bisexual. If you consider the commonly discussed notion that a large proportion of guys have some form of homosexual experience in one way or another, this would ‘automatically’ make a lot of guys gay or bisexual which is ludicrous. I would imagine that a large number of guys have had some form of experimentation throughout their late teens or even later in adulthood. Experimentation does not equal sexual preference or orientation.

It goes without saying that identifying as a gay man involves a lot more than just having sex with another man. Identifying as gay can also mean that you will enter a relationship with, fall in love with and commit to, another man, not necessarily of course. Either way, that actually has very little to do with sex. You may read this and think it sounds implausible but I believe it is absolutely possible to be in a committed and loving relationship without the act of sexual intercourse. After all, sex is just one of the ways in which couples will demonstrate their love for one another. However, as I am sure we can all agree, sex and love are not exclusively linked. It is possible to have sex without any form of romantic connection. On its own, sex can be just that. A physical connection. If that is the case, it is clear to me that the label of gay or bisexual does not apply to all men who have had some form of sexual connection with another man.

I have always been a strong believer that labels, or at least the clichés attached to each label, can be damaging as they have a tendency to evoke quite specific stereotypes. Let’s face it, we all know the stereotypes that tend to come with identifying as gay. We all know those stereotypes are ridiculous but they exist nonetheless. In the very first instance, the stereotypes that are attached to the label of gay may actually deter some people from even experimenting with their sexuality through a fear of being identified as gay. I for one can certainly understand that train of thought because I experienced it first-hand. I ignored my desires to experiment because of the fear that I would be called gay. How many other men out there have completely ignored any thoughts of experimentation through fear of being labelled a certain way? How many more men would experiment if those labels did not exist?

Historically, the label ‘gay’ or more specifically ‘bisexual’ did not exist. For example, when you delve into ancient history, sexual practices between two men were considered commonplace but this did not then mean an exclusively male relationship. I mention this because it reinforces my belief that homosexual nookie does not a gay man make!

The article states that in a poll, men were asked to choose one of three labels — straight, bisexual or gay. The results of that poll show that 75% said they were straight because bisexual seemed “too gay.” (At this point I assume that it wasn’t a straightforward choice of 3 but had a ‘reason’ or explanation section included)

As I am writing this, it is becoming clear to me that there is a negative undercurrent in all of this rhetoric. It would seem, that despite all of the gains made for equality and awareness, there are still men out there that consider being gay a negative thing and hence their desire to shun that term in favour of another term of identity. This ‘fear’ of being labelled as gay often comes from the idea that the term gay has a particular lifestyle attached to it. That particular lifestyle is, of course, a stereotype and a myth. For example, it is actually alarming to me that there is still a persistent belief that gay men are effeminate and furthermore that a man who is effeminate is a bad thing. Unfortunately, there is even a part of our own LGBT community that believes being effeminate or camp is a negative thing and makes you less of a man. At this point, I am going to be really clear in my belief. A person’s behaviour, body language or mannerisms have absolutely nothing to do with gender. There is one thing and one thing alone that makes you a ‘male’ when you are born and that is the dangling organ between your legs. The only reason you are deemed male is that you were born with one. It really is as simple as that. It is about time more people remembered that.

In my own previous article, I wrote about the hope that one day our societies need for labelling will no longer be required. Unfortunately, we are not quite there yet and this is only reinforced by the idea that men are certainly engaging in ‘homosexual activity’ but are vocal about distancing themselves from the label of gay or bisexual to the extent of creating their own label.

If this is the case, I feel that, as gay men, we need to continue building the awareness of what it is to be gay and more specifically, that all different types of men identify as gay. For many years the stereotypes of ‘gay’ have existed for a reason, however, in recent years we are seeing a far more diverse ‘type’ of man coming out as gay which helps to break down the stereotypes. Ultimately, this will help change the perceptions but I feel the bigger discussion that needs to be had here is actually within our own community. We need to be talking about why some gay men seem intent on degrading and being negative towards those who do happen to be effeminate or camp.