The BBC recently published a news video about a new app now available called Just A Baby. The app's purpose, according to the makers, is so that “anybody who wants to have a child can sign up, and hope it will be useful for single people, same-sex couples or people who have not had a child but want one.”
My initial reaction when I read about the app was fairly positive. After all, as an IP (intended parent) any new methods for reaching out and meeting potential surrogates are most welcome. For some IPs out there the process of finding a surrogate can almost feel like an endless search with very little light at the end of the tunnel. This is just another extra option in the process, right?
Unfortunately, my positivity did not even last through to the end of the video that had been posted. I started feeling that this app sounds an awful lot like a Grindr or Tinder but with a baby as the ultimate prize instead of sex – or maybe a relationship, it isn’t THAT unheard of is it? When I think about it like that, it is actually a little horrific.
To a certain extent, finding a surrogate to match with is a lot like the early days of dating. The whole idea is to get out there, strike up conversations, network, learn as much as you can and talk to people. Eventually, you may find someone that you click with but that is just the beginning. Throughout the conversations with a potential surrogate or IP, you have to constantly remember that this is the person you are going to be trusting to carry your child or the person whom you will carry a child for. It goes without saying that this is not a commitment to be taken lightly. Together, you need to build a relationship, one based on trust, mutual understanding and agreement for every step of the journey.
At the stage which my husband and I are at, you could argue ‘what does he know’ but that is kind of my point. We have been tirelessly researching, learning and talking to surrogates and other IPs. We are building relationships with people and in particular a surrogate we would like to become very good friends with. From this research, the most important lesson we have learned is to take things slowly and above all, DO NOT CUT CORNERS! In a different context that sounds like pretty good relationship advice if you ask me. The internet is littered with terribly heart-breaking stories from both IPs and Surrogates where the process was rushed and not properly considered and it ended badly. Thankfully those are few and far between in comparison to the success stories. The key difference is that in the latter of these stories, all the parties involved took their time and made sure they had truly bonded and built true relationships. The equivalent of a one night stand is not going to cut it! This is no, one size fits all, off the shelf, business transaction. This is potentially a child’s life. It takes time, energy and commitment. This app concerns me because while it is not encouraging people to rush into things, it is another social media platform with the purpose of connecting people faster. Many of these apps have become synonymous with getting what you want and getting it fast.
Even the name makes me a little nervous. I challenge you to ask any parent if they think their child is ‘Just A Baby’. I can only assume that the creators were trying to hone in on the people that just want a baby but it actually reminds me of a quote from Queer as Folk, “I was just a shag”. A line could that easily be attributed to the likes of Grindr.
It seems to me that the whole tone and approach of this app is not quite right. Perhaps the purpose of the app is just to get potential IPs and Surrogates talking and I truly hope that once they do, they follow the rest of the process in far more detail - obviously they are going to meet in person at some point! I have met many of the wonderful people in the surrogacy community through the internet, in forums and social media groups but I wouldn’t dream of matching solely based on that. Simple conversation and meeting up with people has worked wonders thus far. If done right, an app could also link in to a great research and education tool, helping people understand the requirements, legalities and processes involved in surrogacy, which is just as important as meeting someone. Perhaps the app will just give people that extra line of conversation but as I said before, the very nature of so many of these apps out there is to get what you want and quickly.
If that is what you want for a quick night of mutual cuddling that’s great, but in the surrogacy world, there is no such thing as a quick night of mutual baby making.
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