Dad & Dad?

For many years growing up, long before I came out, one of the things I really wanted in life was to be a dad. Don’t ask me what made me want it, I just did. Since coming out, that feeling has dissipated and I now feel the complete opposite. Call me selfish but I love my life the way it is and I am not sure that I could genuinely devote that kind of time to a child. It is hard enough keeping on top of things as it is, without taking on a responsibility that is bigger than any full-time job out there. At least I am honest in admitting my own flaw I suppose.

However, it runs deeper than that. Along with coming out, there was a lot of growing up; a lot of time for thought. Part of coming out includes considering the aspects of your life that will change, whether you want them to or not. Of course, we all try to carry on and not let it be the most important part of our own personality, but there is an element of change involved that cannot be ignored.

Considering the fact that I always wanted to be a dad you can imagine what one of those elements of change was going to be, for many reasons. At the time, being a dad became an impossibility the very moment I admitted to myself that I was gay. Back then gay marriage was still a topic of heated discussion, let alone the idea of gay adoption. I just accepted that being gay meant I was not going to be a dad and that it went with the territory so to speak. That doesn’t mean that the notion has not been revisited since. Every so often I would think about it and contemplate the possibilities only to realise that I was even more against the idea.

One major factor in my thoughts was my own childhood. In my early teens, I suffered some bullying. It was all the usual things and in adulthood, I realise that children can be very cruel. Some children are very good at pinpointing something as ammunition to exact their cruelty. It goes without saying that sending a child off to school as ‘the kid with gay dads’ would serve as perfect ammunition for a bully. Of course, as I have accepted, bullies will always find something that they can use against another, whether it is gay dads or not. However, I’ll be totally honest and say that I do not feel comfortable with the notion of sending a child into the world to suffer anything like the same bullying I felt. They may be bullied for any number of reasons but I certainly don’t want to add to those reasons and essentially hand the bullies ammunition on a plate. Unfortunately, I don’t think we have come quite far enough for the concept of gay parents to be acceptable. So again, I have convinced myself that children are not for me. Again, this is could be construed as being selfish. I certainly appear to be more concerned about avoiding my own guilt but if that is the case, then so be it.

This is not to say that I disagree with gay parenting though. I cannot make that clearer. A stronger person than me could face those challenges head-on and win. I admit that I don’t think I can. I am totally pro-gay parenting for those who want to. There are so many out there who are opposed to gay parenting and have their reasons, none of which really seem to hold any water.

"Every child should have a mother figure AND a father figure!"

This is always the fallback argument I would say. I hear it so often and it is such an easy statement to make but how true is it? How many children are out there who only have a mother OR a father, whether it be because of a failed relationship or worse because one has passed away. Surely, in that situation, the child is lacking the mother or father figure they need for growing up; especially if the single parent does not enter another relationship. If a child MUST have a mother and father figure then I would also argue that our society is in serious trouble. In 2005 it was very publicly reported in the media that the number of lone-parent families had soared to 1.88 million. It will certainly be interesting to see where that statistic stands after the most recent census results are revealed. Either way, that is a large chunk of the population that are lacking the apparently essential mother and father figure. Therefore, personally, I feel that the argument is well and truly redundant. Yet, when you point this out it can still cause another thread or lifeline to anyone against gay adoption. The response being that, ‘at least the child will know who his father or mother was’ or more to the point that, ‘they came from a mother and a father’. Well, to be fair and with only a hint of sarcasm, I think it would be incredibly difficult to hide that rather obvious fact of life wouldn’t it? A gay couple are equally capable of ensuring that the child is aware of where they come from and how they got here. It is a rather unavoidable truth wouldn’t you say?

This whole argument is made under the assumption that only a straight couple can nourish the child with all of the relevant life skills, support and role models that are apparently required to lead to the child being a ’well rounded’ adult. Even then I would contest the truth in that little pearl of wisdom as the last time I heard the news, there are countless numbers of parents out there who clearly did not give their children the capacity to be a well-rounded adult. That is without even looking at the parents that abuse their children. Unless the NSPCC are exaggerating and making up these stories, beating your own child is hardly the way to go about raising a child. Yet apparently it is still better that a ‘heterosexual’ couple should raise a child? Granted, the same abuse could happen with a gay couple but I am pretty sure that it is no more likely than that of a heterosexual couple.

There are countless numbers of children out there that require a home and a loving family; orphans or children in foster care that need all the love they can get. According to some, the only way they can get the full spectrum of that love and care is with a heterosexual couple. In this country, there is a lengthy process to get through before you can adopt a child or enter foster care. It is a not a process that any old person would put themselves through. They do it because they want a child. They want to care for that child and subsequently contribute something to society. They do it because they want a child and are not necessarily able to do so by conventional means. Whatever happens, that child is far more likely to get all the love that they need. Personally, I would rather see a child go to a couple that really wants to be parents than a baby being born a casualty of a boozy night out. Of course, that ‘accident’ doesn’t automatically equate to bad parenting but it doesn’t make it any better than a gay couple parenting. Dare I say it, such an inauspicious beginning does not bode particularly well for the future of that child. Again, I am not claiming that this is always the case, but I still fail to see how a homosexual couple adopting can be any worse.

Ultimately, my personal feelings on the matter have not changed. I still do not want to be a parent. However, I fully support any other homosexual couple out there that does. I think Will Young should go for it. I see no reason why he couldn’t be as a good a parent as any heterosexual person out there. Personally, I will stick with having a cat; at least they never learn to talk...

Thank you for stopping by and reading x