Can We All Just Stop Using The F-Word Please?
Many years ago, I wrote an article about derogatory terms and how they are often used within the LGBTQ community somewhat playfully and even as terms of endearment. I spoke about how it could be seen as an attempt to reclaim ownership of those words. Much like a victim of bullying will beat the perpetrator to the punch by mocking themselves before anyone else can, if we take ownership of the derogatory language used against us, we can neutralise its power as an insult. That being said, the use of the word 'faggot' as a means to be demeaning and degrading has always been one that I simply can not abide. I refuse to accept it as a term of endearment or playful banter. It is a disgusting and vile thing to call someone.
As far as I am concerned, the use of the word is comparable to using the 'N-word' as a way to insult a member of the black community or any person of colour for that matter! It is not acceptable. This is not an area for debate. I don't care if people within that community use that word in a completely different context. I am not a member of that community and so I am not in a position to dictate their taking ownership of that word. I have heard the argument so many times that "well if they can use that word, why can't we?". To me, that is such a weak position to take. It actually doesn't matter to me that they can use the word and I can't. We all know full well why that word is deeply offensive if used by those that are outside of that community. Anyone who claims that they do not know why it is abhorrent is exhibiting naivety to conceal a lie. We all know. So I simply do not use that word. Problem solved.
I am, however, a member of the LGBTQ community and so I can voice an opinion on the use of language that has been used to attack us.
You see, I grew up with people calling me a faggot. We are not talking once or twice here, we are talking about years of it. That word has literally been screamed at me throughout most of my life. From playground bullies to 'grown-up' adults across a road or in a bar. That word has been used as a way to belittle, demean, humiliate me. The context in which that word was used was exactly like in the song, an attempt to inflict hurt. Thankfully, and after years of this kind of behaviour, I have developed a thicker skin and can defend myself but should I have to? Amongst the many terms that are used with the same intent, 'faggot' is amongst the worse. In fact, if you look up the word with Google, it is the first definition offered. An informal and offensive noun for a male homosexual. The use of that word is to homophobia what the 'N-word' is to racism.
While I am here and as an example (I confess a rather longwinded one) of discussions relating to that word, you may remember that back around the Christmas of 2019 there was a large debate about the use of the word 'Faggot' in the popular Christmas song 'Fairytale Of New York' by The Pogues, originally recorded in 1987. In fact, I seem to recall that a similar discussion had taken place the previous year too, however, in 2019, the debate intensified because the song was then used in what was the most-watched TV show of Christmas Day, 'Gavin & Stacey'. At the time, I steered clear of the debate. I actually did not want to write about it because it was so widespread. In all honesty, some of the conversations that I saw occurring just made me want to put my face in a pillow and scream and not in a sexy fun-time kind of way! Putting it simply, I wasn't in a place where I felt strong enough to wade into the argument so I steered well clear of it. Looking back, I have some regrets about that because I do feel a certain kind of way about it and I should have spoken up. I should have added my thoughts to the myriad of different voices. As a member of the LGBTQ community and one who has his own little slice of the internet to share his voice, I should have done.
In my opinion, that song should indeed be consigned to the history books. First and foremost when looking at words that are deemed offensive is to consider the context. That actually goes back to what I was saying before about the use of the 'N-word'. In the context of the black community and how they use that word it is acceptable. Outside of that context, it is not.
The context within 'Fairytale Of New York' is an evolving argument between a couple. The song tells the story of how this couples life in New York was a fairytale. It starts out with dreams and aspirations but quickly dissolves into an argument:
You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last
I think we can all agree on the context here. The couple use language as a weapon to emotionally wound their opponent. Simply put, they are being derogatory about one another. So, contextually, the use of the word faggot is undeniably malicious, as are many of the other words used to describe one another. I will concede that actually, there are a number of words that could be taken offensively here. I mean you could argue there is an element of ageism and slut-shaming in the line 'You're an old slut on junk' for instance. That is a separate discussion though.
My point is, the female singer is clearly not referring to the male as a 'bundle of sticks bound together as fuel' or a 'British meatball commonly made of pork offal'. She, as a presumably heterosexual woman (in the story that the song is telling), is using the term faggot as an insult. Let us be really honest here, a sure-fire way to provoke many heterosexual males is to attack their masculinity, question their sexuality and imply they are in fact, homosexual. There is something to be said here about how homosexuality is somehow linked to a lack of masculinity but that is also another discussion for another day.
The song is undeniably popular but that popularity also implies that the language used within is also acceptable. It's popularity actually signals that it is ok to use that word. A word that has been used as a way to attack me and the community that I am apart of is deemed perfectly acceptable when being shouted by a bar full of people on Christmas Eve or, so it would seem, in what was the most-watched TV show on Christmas Day. By allowing and even defending the use of the word in the song, you are then implying it is ok for children to go out and use that word in a context that is also to inflict hurt. Homophobic language continues to be popularised. And so the cycle of bullying begins again.
Some will argue that the song was 'of its time', that it is in recent years that the word has become more of a taboo, which means it is ok. It isn't. Just because something was deemed 'acceptable' almost 40 years ago, doesn't give it a free pass in our future. Besides, that word has been used as a derogatory term for as long as I can remember. It was a derogatory word back in 1987 and it still is now. We can't change the fact that society as a whole was perfectly at peace with using such terms back then but we don't have to accept it in the present. It certainly doesn't make it ok when that word is still being used so frequently as an attack on a community of people.
If you have read all of that in relation to the song and still disagree, may I suggest you replace that word with the 'N-Word' and think about that? I would go so far as to say that if it was that word, we wouldn't even be having this discussion. The song would have been quite rightly outlawed many years ago for obvious reasons. So please, next time you defend the use of the song as a Christmas staple in heavy rotation on Radio or on a popular TV show, just bare all of this in mind. Whether you want to accept it or not, you ARE allowing homophobic language.
I will say it again, just to really drive the point home, unless you are describing a 'bundle of sticks bound together as fuel' or a 'British meatball commonly made of pork offal', stop using the word faggot!
While I am here, I did want to note that when these kinds of discussions arise, I also notice a pattern. Concerning the song, a large majority of the people I saw defending it and therefore the use of the word 'faggot'. The people saying that it was in no way homophobic were actually heterosexual. In some ways, this actually goes back to an article I wrote about privilege. The notion that heterosexual people get to decide what is deemed homophobic or not is both hilarious and infuriating to me in equal measure.
I want to be clear here that I am not attacking all you heterosexual people but you have to understand, that since you have not experienced the homophobia like I, along with much of the LGBTQ community, have, you don't then get to decide what is offensive or what is classed as homophobia. You can have an opinion sure, but I would strongly recommend actually talking to members of the LGBTQ community before being so bold as to say "that isn't homophobic'. You, as a straight person, do not get to tell me, as a gay man, what is homophobic or not. You do not get to tell me whether I have a right to be offended by something that relates to my sexuality and not yours.
To summarise the point I was trying to make in that previous article:
As a man, I do my best to avoid dictating to a woman that I don't think something is sexist.
As as a white man, I do my best to avoid dictating to a black person that I don't think something is racist.
As a cis-gender male, I do my best to avoid dictating to a trans or non-binary person that I don't think something is transphobic.
I don't get to decide those things because I don't live that experience. Instead, I try to listen and to understand why they believe it is.
I accept that a lot of homophobia, racism, sexism or transphobia is so deeply ingrained in us by the society we live in, it can be incredibly difficult to recognise it for what it is. All of us have unconscious bias. All that any of us can do is to continue to listen, to understand, to learn, to grow and ultimately try to shape the world to be better, wherever we can.
A good starting point here is to stop using terminology that is so clearly offensive. At the very lowest level, name-calling has never convinced anyone to change their opinion and will never win a discussion so just stop.
Thank you so much for reading.
