As it is National Coming Out Day and following my article about the day - which you can read HERE - I thought I would share my coming out story.

My coming out ‘story’ is pretty unremarkable besides the fact I took forever and a day to actually get there. There was no real drama, no histrionics. Nothing at all. Only my own naiveté. It certainly wasn’t as I had expected.

As I have discussed in a previous article, I struggled with my sexuality in my teens. Mainly because I was bullied quite a lot with the most common thread for the horrible behaviour being because I was apparently gay or queer. I was reminded this on a frequent basis and was on occasion physically attacked because of their perception of me being homosexual. The big struggle came from the fact that I genuinely believed that I wasn’t gay. I wouldn’t even say it was just denial on my part. I look back at it and remember clearly being confused and dumbfounded as to why people thought I was gay. Clearly, those around me seemed to know something I didn’t… yet.

I was a late developer and if I am honest, I don’t think I genuinely developed any stirrings either way for others until I was nearly finished at secondary school. That isn’t to say that I didn’t have ‘relationships’. I did. I had a few girlfriends throughout my time at school but I think that was born of the notion that it was what was expected of me. Or at least what I believed what was expected of me.

I would like to point out there is no point that I can recall where my parents had said or even implied that I should have a girlfriend. Nor had they ever implied that I had to do certain sports or dress in certain ways because that is what is expected of a male. Any expectations that my parents had were for me to work hard, behave myself and be happy. My parents have always stuck rigidly to the message that they just want me to be happy. To this day, even if they fundamentally disagree with a choice I might make, they still stick to the message that it doesn’t matter, as long as I am happy. No, my belief that I had to behave and live in a certain way came from the rest of the world around me and the way in which I saw what was deemed normal. Especially being bullied, I had built up a picture of what it was to fit in and be ‘normal’. What would have probably been a more sensible route would have been to actually listen to my parents and ignore the rest of the world but then, what teenage boy truly listens to his parents?

Like I say, I was a bit late to the game in terms of any kind of sexual awakening but as I neared the end of secondary school and what I believed would be a major step for me getting away from the bullies, I did also start to experience that yearning for others shall we say. In those final few months of school, I had an experience that may not have actually made me realise that I was gay, but it certainly opened the door to the awareness that I might be. At the time I just thought it was us, lads, messing around but I did have this tiny feeling that it might have been more.

In addition, I remember a particular birthday party for a family friend where I met two people who were just a few years older than me. Rob and Lindsey were very good friends together, who like me, loved to bust out the dance moves on a dancefloor, especially when it came to Steps. Thankfully, they let me into their world for the night and I remember talking to them outside and I think it was that night, I discovered that Rob was gay. (We actually remained friends after that party so it may have been on another occasion that I found out). I think Rob was definitely the first person that I knew, who was gay and he seemed perfectly happy and was definitely not a victim like I thought came with being gay. Looking back on it, I really admired Rob and he became my first guy crush.

Even as I started college, I pushed myself harder against the feeling that I might indeed be gay. I saw what it was to be gay and be victimised for it and I didn’t want that. There was also a small part of me labouring under the misguided illusion that my parents would be mortified, disappointed, that they would hate me and maybe even throw me out of the home. Again, I must stress that at no point had my parents ever intimated anything of the sort. I must make this clear because I in no way want to paint a picture of my parents in anything other than a positive light. My mum was always incredibly open-minded when it came to sexuality and my Dad remained almost silent on the topic. It was never something we discussed. Again, this illusion was totally one I had created myself, possibly through what I had seen on TV. As an aside, part of it probably did come from the fact I was a dramatic little git – and still am. Hey, I studied performing arts people! If anyone was going to have an ultra-melodramatic experience with his parents it was going to be me ha-ha…

Since 1988, October 11th has been declared National Coming Out Day. Initially, this all started in the United States but has since been adopted around the world. In 2017, there are now conversations about whether or not anyone from the LGBT+ community should have to ‘come out’. In some respects, this can be viewed as a very positive step. There are a growing number of people out there that feel a person’s sexuality is of no consequence and therefore they should not be expected to declare their sexuality and in an ideal reality, this would certainly be the case. In an ideal world, Adam should be able to just say, ‘yeah Steve and I are dating’, just like he would tell people if he was dating Eve. However, the way in which society currently stands, Adam would have either announced that he was a gay man beforehand or he would concurrently be announcing his sexuality by revealing a relationship with another man. I think there is a lot to be spoken about regarding labelling here, which is a subject for another day but I will just say that unfortunately, we are still in a place where society has to place a label on our personal relationships rather than those relationships being simply about the person who we fall in love with. I’ll be discussing the structure of labels more in a future article.

Getting back to the subject currently at hand, I think it is important to understand why National Coming Out Day came about and also, what the act of coming out actually symbolises, perhaps not to everyone, but to plenty of people. I have discussed the power of celebrities coming out before, which you can go back and read HERE.

At its core, National Coming Out Day or NCOD is a day of awareness. Back in 1988, the notion was grounded in the feminist and gay liberation spirit. It calls on people to make their personal situation a political one. The act of coming out can be seen as a fundamental form of activism. By declaring your sexuality to those around you and living life as an openly gay man (or any of the other sexualities or gender identities) you are making a statement against homophobia. A homophobia that would thrive in a world of silence and ignorance. Fundamentally, by coming out to your nearest and dearest you may find that it actually changes their views about homosexuality. Ultimately, everyone is connected to at least one person in their life, whether directly or through the famous people they know of, who is gay. Whether that person is ‘out’ is another matter. I found this quote from Robert Eichberg, psychologist and gay rights leader from back in 1993 which sums this belief up perfectly:

"Most people think they don't know anyone gay or lesbian, and in fact everybody does. It is imperative that we come out and let people know who we are and disabuse them of their fears and stereotypes."

I can certainly state, categorically, that I have found this to be the case. I have had quite a few friends talk to me about how they were homophobic in their younger years but have learned, through now having friends who are open about their sexuality, that their homophobia was misguided. They genuinely believed that they didn’t know any LGBT people and that it was weird, different and not right. They themselves will also declare that they are now intolerant of homophobic views and opinions. I have even had a friend of ours who has a teenage son ask me and my husband to spend time around them as a family. At the time, the son was going through that very impressionable teenage period where a lot of the rhetoric around him from his peers was that gay = bad and where homophobia was a common part of bullying. Being surrounded by this homophobia and thought process the son had started to pick up on some of it. The idea of the son seeing and being around a gay couple in a ‘normal’ setting was to show him that being gay was no big deal and to counteract that homophobia.

For me personally, I have always felt that the process of coming out comes from years of an unspoken pressure to behave in a ‘normal’ ie heterosexual way. Heterosexuality is the ‘default’ and therefore, particularly in our early years, we are raised to conform to this standard. Obviously, the world is evolving and I know a huge number of parents who refuse point blank to raise their child to adhere to this standard and they actively promote the idea that their child can love whomever they like. I applaud each and every one of them because, for each parent that does that, they are breaking down the belief that heterosexuality is the normal and therefore homophobia is abnormal. As the feminist Adrienne Rich describes in her journal “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”, heterosexual people never have to come out as heterosexual which is an example of the way that homosexuality is considered an anomaly.

By having a noted date each year where people are encouraged to come out, it turns that one singular voice and turns it into thousands, making a very strong statement to the world around them. It is a statement to that teenager sitting in his room alone, feeling isolated and that he is abnormal, confused by his own feelings. It tells him, he is not alone.

Naturally, there is a darker side to having a day such as NCOD. For some people, it simply isn’t safe for them to come out yet and therefore, the encouragement for them to declare their sexuality could lead them to harm. In certain communities around the world, coming out could lead to perfectly legal discrimination or violence. In those situations, I would argue that even if that person is unable to be out and proud just yet, at least they can live with the knowledge that a large part of our world thinks they are brilliant just the way they are and in effect, we are hoping to change that view so that one day, they can be open too.

Of course, we are now in 2017 and a lot has changed in the 24 years since Eichberg made his statement but there is still a long way to go. LGBT people are a much bigger presence in our communities and our society on the whole but unfortunately, homophobia does still exist. We are not yet at that time where it is a non-issue and therefore we can remain silent on the subject. For now, we have to embrace that LGBT label and show it with pride so that in future years, others may not have to.

I will leave you with another quote from Adrienne Rich which I think sums up coming out, for anything at all I should add, perfectly:

“That's why I want to speak to you now. To say: no person, trying to take responsibility for her or his identity, should have to be so alone. There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep, and still be counted as warriors. (I make up this strange, angry packet for you, threaded with love.) I think you thought there was no such place for you, and perhaps there was none then, and perhaps there is none now; but we will have to make it, we who want an end to suffering, who want to change the laws of history, if we are not to give ourselves away”.

Thanks for stopping by and reading x

UPDATE - If you want to read about when I came out, following the jump HERE

What got you into surrogacy?

Honestly? I don't know! I realise that sounds odd but I cannot remember a definitive moment. I just knew it was something I wanted to do. It was probably Phoebe in Friends or something like that. Lol.

Can you tell everyone a little about your previous surrogacy experience?

Errr how long have you got? Short version, I've been a TS and had a baby boy for a gay couple in 2013. A gorgeous little boy who is almost 4. Not sure how the time has moved so quickly!
Then I was a GS for a straight couple as I thought I'd give it alllllll a go! And they have a son who is almost 2 now.

How did you meet Mark and his husband?

I blame Laura! A mutual friend, someone who I met via YouTube messages to say that her friend was now looking into surrogacy and could I add him to the groups or maybe chat to him a bit as he was a great friend and she wanted him to have the best help and knew I was knowledgable and all that about surrogacy. So I started chatting to Mark and I was adamant at this time I was never going again as the last pregnancy had been a hard one.... so never again was I going to do it. But the blasted man is far too fabulous as I not only clicked brilliantly with him but Marc too. It just felt right. Like it was supposed to happen and yes I do feel a bit nauseated when I write that down as I'm not particularly soppy as a person.

Was there anything in particular that made you agree to be a surrogate for Marc and Marc?

As I said above, it just felt right. And the last time it felt right like this with my first couple, I had the best match and still see them and their son and it had been the most amazing experience. I want that again if I can. I'm a bit selfish but I like making others happy and getting amazing friends at the same time.

How do you go about explaining surrogacy to your children?

Well, I started a few years before I ended up having a baby as a surrogate so they sort of grew up with it.

What kind of reaction do people have when they see you are pregnant but then find out it is for someone else?

Usually, ask how much I get paid or say it's amazing. Both of which make me inwardly cringe a teeny bit but that's more that I'm an awkward sod.

Are your family supportive with the surrogacy?

Most of them yes. Not all but everyone entitled to their own option I guess.

Why do you do it?

Because I'm mental. All jokes aside, the world is already filled with so much negativity, bad luck, sadness, hurt and stuff that if I can do something to make others happy, if I can help people, give people not only the chance to be parents but help create grandparents, sibling, aunts, uncles, cousins... why wouldn't I? I know I can, so I do. Not everyone could carry a baby and hand them to their parents without being a bit broken by it and I knew I would be fine.

What would you tell someone who was thinking about being a surrogate?

Research, learn, research some more. Take some time, then double that time and take some more.
Never rush, never cut corners and don't give up on something because of the time it takes to achieve. The time will pass anyway. And join groups like UK Surrogacy - The Foyer. Knowledge is power. The people will support you and there is almost always someone who knows the answer.

What would you tell someone who was thinking of using a surrogate?

Research, research and research a bit more. Take your time. Don’t rush any part. Don’t get too excited. Talk to people who’ve done it and don’t assume everyone who is in the world of surrogacy is good, decent or kind as that’s not always the case. Be your own advocate.

How does your husband feel about you being a surrogate/How do you feel about your wife being a surrogate?

Darren is quite proud. Odd man. He doesn’t seem to mind but I’d not do with without his agreement and support.

D: I am proud. Very much so.

Whoops, this is a couple of days late this month but I am sure you can forgive me...

So the stats are a little down this month. I have no real idea why though. I have been shuffle playing a little more though which is why the average play count and the Top 20 plays is down this month.

There was a large number of new-entries on the chart this month, as I say, I was shuffling a lot more but then I'd have days where I was listening to a few particular songs. Chim Chin Cher-ee (East Wind) comes from the original motion picture soundtrack to Disney's Saving Mr Banks. The film is one of my favourites and I really enjoy the arrangement of the well known song. Given the style and tone of the film, this piece really embodies the bittersweet story behind the film Mary Poppins.

Sticking with the musical theme, three new entries came from the 'Definitive Cast Recording' of Miss Saigon. Taken from the 2014 revival in London, this cast recording is my quite easily my favourite. Ever since I was lucky enough to attend the gala performance back in 2014, Miss Saigon has remained my favourite musical. Every once in a while I can just listen to the soundtrack on repeat. Eva Noblezaba and Rachelle Ann Go are two incredibly talented performers who both possess the most insanely good vocal qualities and range. The Movie In My Mind is so well sung and so powerful, it still gives me goose bumps even now.

Boys In The Street was a song I stumbled upon when a friend had it playing in the car. It is a very emotive song which is a son, telling the story of his strained relationship with his father because the father disapproves of him 'kissing boys in the street'. The singer, Greg Holden, is actually straight, but was asked to provide a song for a fundraising compilation album by the organisation Everyone Is Gay that supports LGBT+ youth. Holden has managed to really capture the struggles of sexuality acceptance for some parents without crossing into any form of spokesmanship or preaching. What I love about the song is that through the verses where the father is disapproving, there is the underlying message that the real reason for his disapproval is because of how it reflects on him and not the son. As each verse passes, I get the sense that the father begins to understand it actually isn't about him. I think this may actually be a common theme for those that have had disapproving parents when they came out perhaps?


I am not sure how many people know the Britney Spears track which came in at number five this month. It was never on an album and is known as a bit of a rarity. It samples the Prince track 'Kiss' and it features Britney doing what she does best. I always wonder what a finished, fully produced version would sound like.
There was also quite a bit more Melanie C on the chart this month, as I did have a couple of days where I was only listening to her. I've said for many years, that if anyone was to make a film of my life, Melanie C songs would provide the soundtrack. I know most people will only really remember her as Sporty Spice but since then she has put out some brilliant solo material and I have always enjoyed and admired how she constructs the songs lyrically. Quite often I feel like they are my own thoughts in song.

Similarly, Damien Rice featured a fair bit this month too (again). As mentioned in previous charts, I have always found his music to be a calming influence and find that it helps me to think through things. Naturally, with the process of becoming parents well underway, I have a lot buzzing around my mind so that calming influence has definitely been helpful with Damien taking the number 1 spot again this month with Long Long Way. Check out this pretty brilliant live version of the song...

A couple of months ago, our Surrogate, Lisa, was part of a Channel Mum campaign to embrace, be proud of and celebrate post-baby bodies. I was watching it to support Lisa and because I wholeheartedly support the notion that a woman can and should be able to be proud of her body after giving birth. Not only is it great for her, but it could have a positive impact on their children too, teaching them that is ok to be confident in their own body, no matter its shape or size. Lisa and the whole #mamafigure campaign got me thinking about my own body and how I feel. I will be honest here and say it has taken a lot of thought as to whether I was going to write about this but Lisa and all her fellow Channel Mum ladies have inspired and encouraged me. I feel it is time.

Obviously, I will never know what it is to have a post-baby body, that goes without saying. However, the campaign got me thinking about body confidence for all genders. Do I have body confidence? Am I comfortable in my own skin? It has also made me take a long hard look at my past and what I can only describe as a love-hate relationship with my body. You may ask why, but as a gay man looking to be a father, I want to be able to have that level of self-acceptance and confidence in my body and to be able to pass that confidence to my child. I feel it is a very important lesson to pass on to our children, especially in a world filled with influences about what is considered the 'perfect' body.

To use the word 'struggled' when talking about my own body issues may be overstating it slightly, or at least that is what I thought, so I didn't think I had ever truly struggled with my own body confidence. That said, there were certainly issues there which, looking back on, were very much part of an internalised struggle, with my own body and also my sexuality.

For many years, I was bullied for apparently looking and sounding gay. I was also picked on because I was quite a skinny kid but not unlike many of the lads in my class. I have no idea why, but I linked my being skinny to the bullying and the notion that I was gay. I felt I didn’t look ‘manly’ enough. This was difficult for me because, at that age, I genuinely didn’t think I was gay. I wasn’t attracted to guys or anything like that so I couldn’t understand why people kept saying it. I want to be clear here, even then I knew there was nothing wrong with being gay. I simply didn’t believe that I was. Sure, I was into music and drama but so were other guys. I couldn’t for the life of me work out why the bullies thought I looked gay. I guess that me being so adamant that I wasn’t gay actually gave the bullies even more power because they knew full well it bothered me. It made me angry, upset and frustrated all at the same time. I dated girls and tried so hard to prove that they were wrong. It was exhausting.

My attempts to prove the bullies wrong deepened when I looked at what was considered the ideal man on television. I remember wanting to be like one the ‘hard men’ you see on TV. Handsome, muscular and to a degree, aggressive. No one ever messed with them. I started to think that if maybe I looked a little more like them I wouldn’t be bullied anymore. I began to really hate how skinny I was but I couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I always had an incredibly ‘healthy’ appetite as the saying goes. I ate a lot and it made no difference. I didn’t ever put on any weight.

This desire to prove I wasn’t gay and therefore stop the bullying carried on throughout school until my last year perhaps. At the same, I did start to notice guys and I began to feel differently. For a time, I thought that perhaps I was gay but I put the blame on the fact I was skinny and was called gay so often it was like I was fulfilling what the bullies thought and so sadly, I continued to fight against it.

It wasn’t until I was in college that I really started accepting and properly exploring my sexuality. I finally started to come out to myself. I think the pivotal moment really happened by chance when I was walking to the shops at lunchtime with a couple of my course friends. One of those friends, Keeley, out of the blue just turned and said to me, ‘so Mark, I have to ask, are you Gay?’. Without even thinking about it I replied almost instantly, ‘Yes, yes I’m gay’. I remember saying the word and feeling two conflicting emotions. Part of me wished I could wish those words back into my mouth and the other part of me felt relief. It was such a huge relief that I could feel myself starting to cry. We talked about it and I admitted that it was the first time I had ever said it out loud.

After finally coming out, both to myself and to those around me (and believe me when I say it wasn’t everyone, it took years and years for me to finally be out and proud at all times as it were) I thought that perhaps the hatred I had for my skinniness and the way I was linking it to sexuality would dissipate. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Back then I was a lot more naïve about the types of gay people out there. I had started to read LGBT magazines, mainly Attitude. The first issue I ever bought (and hid in my bedroom because I hadn’t told my parents yet) was one of their annual naked issues. There were pages and pages of absolutely naked guys (with their modesty covered of course) and I remember noticing how gym fit they all were. It was filled with Actors, Singers, Sports Stars and the like – I distinctly remember enjoying the pages of a Rugby Team and all of them were muscular and toned.

For years, I inexplicably thought my skinniness was why everyone thought I was gay. Clearly, this was not the case and actually, it seemed that most gay people were also toned and buff. This further fuelled my desire to be a muscular Adonis type. For many years, I ignored it. I did not want, or I couldn’t afford a gym membership and to a degree, I despaired that I would never be able to build up enough to look anything like what I saw in magazines and so on.

Over the years I have had some stints in the gym, still trying to achieve that ideal, still trying to transform my body but each time with the same result. My biggest problem is my own impatience. I was working out daily and putting in the effort, drinking the protein shakes and so on but I wasn’t seeing any gains so after a few months I would stop going. The cycle repeated itself a lot. I always start out so determined to do it but I start to lose interest when I don’t see any results.

In the last two years, I have actually started to put a little bit of weight on. Mainly because I now have a desk job so I am not on my feet all day every day. I was actually really pleased to be putting a little bit on, certainly on my waist however that would seem to be the only place it goes. One of the biggest areas I have always wanted to change is my skinny arms and my non-existent chest. Any weight that I do manage to put on never seems to go there.

If I am honest, I am still not totally there with accepting my own body for what it is. I still, almost all of the time, refuse to be completely topless in public. I have always hated being topless because I don’t want people to see my skinny chest, even now that I have put on a little weight. I quite often feel ashamed of my body and its lack of ‘manliness’. I did once try to do a photo shoot on a beach with my shirt undone and I don’t think I have ever felt more uncomfortable. However, I am aware that body confidence has become a hot topic in more recent years with more and more people encouraging the idea that we all have different bodies for all different reasons and we should accept that.

One thing that struck me with the Channel Mum campaign is that it rightly focuses on those with mummy figures and it should, given their target audience. Generally speaking, I think women do bear the brunt of what the media deems a perfect female body but this issue is not exclusive to women. It is an issue for men too and an issue that does deserve to have attention. I would say that to an extent, the pressure for men is actually getting bigger. More and more famous men also have incredibly built bodies so it is only natural that it will lead to men feeling they need to live up to those images. One example would be the Marvel movies. Of course, they are superheroes and so they would have immaculate bodies built for saving the world. I get it I really do, but on a subconscious level, it also suggests that if you want to save the world, you need to be built like Chris Evans (the Captain America one, not the ginger one!). I know that for me, that would be ideal. It isn’t the body of the guy I want to date, it’s the body I want for myself. I know full well I can have that body if I am prepared to do the almost herculean amount of work required to get there and maintain it. I have to be realistic though. I don’t think I am capable of that level of dedication and exercise. Watching the #mamafigure video I realised that my real issue here is not that I lack the dedication to the gym. It is that I have a deeper-rooted issue with my own body, perceiving it to be inadequate or less than what a man’s body should be. This is in part due to the bullying I experienced and also wishing I could live up to the images I see in the world around me. I have to learn, just like many other men and women out there that my body is my body and as long as I am looking after it and living a reasonably healthy lifestyle, my body will do just fine. Especially now, as I am preparing to be a father, I want to be confident in my own skin and I want to be able to inspire my children to be confident in their own skin too.

In recent years, Attitude has run a feature in the magazine called ‘Real Bodies’ which features everyday men who are not celebrities, talking about their own bodies and their own issues or desires but ultimately standing proudly in the body they have with all the readers to see. I thoroughly enjoy that feature and hope they continue to present it each month. It is a beacon for anyone who has ever felt less than ideal or perfect in their own skin. There certainly needs to be more of that in the world.

From that and my own thoughts about my body, I feel inspired by the #mamafigure campaign. I too will try to accept my body for what it is. With that in mind and with the support of my husband (yes, you can have a partner and still have body issues!) and the support of my friends around me, I will be doing my small part for body confidence and acceptance through the #disney365 project which I have been doing on Instagram. I am hoping that, just like the wonderful mums in the video, I can get over the unhappiness I feel for my body but also show others that having a different body type, or one that doesn’t match the film stars at least, is ok. Periodically, I will share a body confidence related image on Instagram to show that you do not need to look like a superhero or a sports star to be a man. There are so many images of those ‘perfect’ bodies out there so I will be sharing images of my own body to reinforce the notion of body confidence and that you do not need to live up to the expectations that you see around you. It would exceptionally great if it inspired some other guys to join in. I will definitely be digging further into the issues around body confidence for us gay guys in future articles so if you have any thoughts, please let me know in the comments below.

The French have an expression, Bien dans sa peau, which literally translates as; well in their skin or ‘he fits his skin’ i.e. to be comfortable with themselves (comfortable in their own skin). Ultimately, my aim is also to be able to embrace, be proud of and celebrate my body.

The first image will live on my Instagram later on this evening. If you want to follow and add your support (I need support mainly because I am bricking it), you can do so HERE

Finally, I just want to say that I think the Channel Mum ladies are incredible and even though I am not a woman, their messages are still inspiring. So, as it says in the video below, please pass on the video to another fellow mum so that everyone can just start feeling better about themselves.

It would seem that I was beginning to adjust to the time difference at long last, since we had planned to get up a little earlier and this morning I was struggling. Although we did have plans for the day, it felt really unusual to not have our time planned out for us and to have a whole group of people to meet up with. Today was the first day in our adventure when it was just the two of us, left to our own devices.